Fixin' my Want To

My husband is a very private person and I don't have his permission to share a bit of his story in this post. So I trust my heart's need to share.

He has been facing a health issue for over 18 months. It is been a trying time for all us. We have gone from one doctor to the next, with hope that "this doctor" will be the specialist that will have the answer. I have had faith and hope as long a we had different doctor. Now, we have come to what seems to be the a last ditch effort and my husband is on a plane headed for the Mayo Clinic. I have been forced into what Henry Blackaby referred to as "crisis of belief."

This morning, I found myself in my daily Bible reading in the various accounts of Jesus' crucifixion. As I reread the Gethsemane scene in each gospel I came face-to-face with the humanity of our Savior. He knew throughout His life the purpose of His time on earth, yet in the last hours, He asked the His Father to change the plan.

"Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me;
yet not my will, but yours be done." Luke 22:42

I could hear Jesus saying, "I want to do your will, I really do but if there is another way, I would be OK with that also." It is as if I come to Gethsemane praying for my husband and asking "if you could find another way, please do."

I want my "want to" to be fixed. I want my faith as real in a crisis as it is when I am celebrating His greatness. I want to celebrate His greatness in the crisis. I want to, want to. Does that make since to anyone? It seems for the first time in a long time maybe even the first time ever, I fear saying "thy will be done" because if His will might bring about something in my husband's life that would change it forever.

I know in my head that His will exceeds anything I could think or imagine for my husband's life. So I want to confess this crisis of belief to anyone who reads this post. I want to acknowledge to you and to my Heavenly Father that I am women in desperate need of a breakthrough and I am bringing the the small amount of oil I have (2 Kings 4:2) to His feet, to trust Him to know my heart wants to.

Please dear Father, fix my want to.